Things My Mother Said (not what you think)

My Mom was intelligent and funny. (Not so smart, though, that she didn't quit smoking until it killed her at age 73.) She said many things when I was young which struck me as peculiar at the time, funny later, and poignant today.

Many years after her death I am still channeling her. I will say something and think, "Damn, my mother used to say that!" As a way to get them out of my system, here are most of the funny and philosophical 'bon mots' she offered both for our amusement and hers, but mostly hers. Her sons were too young to fully comprehend the humor. We laugh about her quips now. Unfortunately for my own children, I've infected THEM with this stuff!
May she live on in these words:
· "You can't spit in my face and tell me it's raining."
· "You aren't made of sugar, you won't melt." (When we were reluctant to go out in the rain and get wet.)
· "It's just as easy to marry a rich person as a poor one."
· "At night all cats are gray." (I figured out the meaning when I was 22.)
· "Make sure you marry someone you can talk to. -- You need something to fill the other 23 hours and 55 minutes in a day."
· "You may use big words as long as you eschew obfuscation." (Look it up.)
· "Don't say you need to go to bathroom, dear. In public to excuse yourself you should say 'I have to make a phone call."
· "You have champagne taste and a beer pocketbook." (Not original, but we didn't know it at the time.)
· "The only way to avoid temptation is to yield to it." (ditto.)
· "If we had some eggs we could have ham and eggs, if we just had some ham."
· "We need a fourth for bridge!" (Someone says, "OK. I'll play.") "Now we need a second and a third." (I guess you need to know about bridge -- and bridge players -- to get this one.)
· (On passing several cars parked in front of a house:) "Oh, it looks like someone's having a party and didn't invite us. -- We'll fix them and not go!"
· (After one of her children says they won't do or will do a certain task.) "Well, I'm not going to hold my breath."
· "If you don't eat it now (for dinner) you're going to have it again for breakfast."
· (When serving dinner:) "It's not very good, but at least there's a lot of it."
· (And:) "Everything needs salt."
· (On asking if she's going to move out of the house she lived in for 45 years.) "The only way I'm leaving this house is feet first." (And sure enough, she did.)
· (When someone left home:) "Write if you find work." (Evidently a depression-era expression.)
· (When someone said something was driving them crazy:) "It's not a drive, it's a short putt."
· (When someone yawned:) "It must be the hour and not the company."
· "When they make me dictator, . . . ." — followed by a dictum which she intended to enact as the most benevolent despot in history.
· "That's the blind leading the blind."
· (On offering a drink in the middle of the day:) "Oh, it must be 5:00 somewhere!"
· (When someone trod on her heel:) "When you get to my shoulders, jump off!"
· (When a driver cut her off:) "Oh, that's good. Feint left and go right."
· When sitting on the patio, enjoying a summer evening, two comments would arise: "Ah, gracious living in the New Jersey suburbs." And: "I wonder what the poor people are doing." (It was facetious, trust me.)
· (When driving and trying to look around the front passenger:) "Lean back so I can see. You may be a pain, but you're not made of glass."
· When playing Contract Bridge:
     "We need a fourth for bridge.  OK, now we need a second and a third."
     "He who hesitates has been finessed."
     "A good declarer always makes book."
     (After a bid of one club, turns to the partner:)  "Is that a funny club?"
· "You don't have to do it now, but when you get the chance, . . ." (and we knew by that she wanted something done right away.)
· (When a young person implied her generation didn't know about sex:) "What, you thought you were found in a cabbage patch?"
· "Please don't go to any trouble." (Oh, right.)
· And the one which troubled me, but which I don't think was really true: "I'm a born-again agnostic."

Here's to you, Mom. I'm sure, someday, your great-grandchildren will be quoting you.

JDE